INT. EVENING. CUPERTINO, CALIFORNIA. BJ’S RESTAURANT AND BREWHOUSE. A RECENT FRIDAY NIGHT
The bar is full. Two keyboards sit at the bar: APPLE EXTENDED II and MACBOOK PRO. The front door opens, TOUCHBAR looks around, sees the two keyboards at the bar, grins, and heads their direction. Skipping.
APPLE EXTENDED II sits at the bar nursing a Macallan 18. Next to him is MACBOOK PRO who has not taken a sip of his glass of water.
APPLE EXTENDED II: Lonely times, man. Lonely times. First, it was scissors then butterflies. Do you want to know what I miss? Electric Alps switches. That was the dream, right?
MACBOOK PRO (nervous, staring at the bar, napkins in both hands): Did you clean up before I sat down? It looks clean, but…
APPLE EXTENDED II (interrupting): Kids today. They don’t appreciate the reliable, credible haptic feedback of a single healthy keystroke. It’s all hunt, peck, and swipe swipe swipe.
TOUCHBAR (arrives): Hey! Nobody told me we were going out to drinks 🍷. This is great! 👍
APPLE EXTENDED II: Wait, who invited him?
MACBOOK PRO: Sorry, we’re a package deal. It’s not…
TOUCHBAR (interrupting): Kind’a loud in here, you don’t mind if I turn up the volume a bit? Ok? Great. That’s better, right? I’m helping!
MACBOOK PRO: … an ideal situation.
APPLE EXTENDED II (glaring at TOUCHBAR): This a keyboard meeting. You’re not a keyboard.
TOUCHBAR: Not a keyboard? Just look at me I’m…
SIRI (appears in a puff of colorful smoke): Hey, can I help with anything? No? Ok.”
SIRI vanishes. APPLE EXTENDED II drops his face into his hands.
TOUCHBAR: … more than a keyboard, I am chock full of buttons.
The bartender approaches noticing TOUCHBAR’s arrival.
BARTENDER: Can I get you something?
TOUCHBAR: Can I get a Blue Hawaiian?
APPLE EXTENDED II: And nachos.
MACBOOK PRO: NACHOS? Wait, WHOA WHOA. You didn’t say we’d be eating food. I’ve got work tomorrow, and a single bit of chip, a smear of cheese, or a bit of jalapeño and I’m screwed.
APPLE EXTENDED II: Right, ok. Hold on the nachos. Back to you faux-keyboard. Do you know what you’re great at? TouchID. It’s a wonder because it simplifies a standard action. It transforms the process of typing a long secure password into a single click. That is legit magic, but TouchID is a button, and a button is always in the same location, it has a discernible shape you can feel with your finger, and when you press it, you feel the action of it being pressed. You are a touch screen.
TOUCHBAR: What about IPHONE?
IPHONE (three martinis in, across the bar): Leave me out of this!
APPLE EXTENDED II (standing up, pointing furiously at IPHONE): You’re the problem! You’re the problem! You showed them a world without real buttons, and now we get him!
IPHONE (also standing): My feedback is haptic!
APPLE EXTENDED II: It sure is except when I accidentally take a random screenshot of whatever is on my screen.
IPHONE: You’re a loud annoying dinosaur! We can hear every single one of your keys click-clacking all the way across town at the mothership.
MACBOOK PRO: Heyeveryonecalmdownwe’reallonthesameteam.What?
APPLE EXTENDED II: Your space bar is dead again, Pro.
MACBOOK PRO: Itis?Areyousure?
APPLE EXTENDED II: I’m sure. Screw this. Check, please.
BARTENDER: That’ll be $700. Wait no, this one’s on me.