I don't know if you've any experience with psychotherapy, but many of those techniques are exactly what therapists use - as alluded to Abe and his 'therapist clock'.

I would emphasise that sometimes accepting that you don't understand things is more productive - and scary. You have to trust that the understanding will come. This goes against nerd instinct, but it's what happens when we 'talk to the duck' - you describe things as they are, even though you don't understand them - and then that understanding hits you. Most nerds will have experienced that. This 'understanding slapping you between the eyes' is also a part of the therapy process.

I don't agree Seb - tone, and even just the 'feeling in the room' are important. That silence you mentioned could be angry, fearful, contemplative. Heck, we can hold 'conversations' without words - a smile at a stranger or a baby, or just some expressions in a foreign country. It might not win a Pulitzer, but it say something.

I'm not convinced that that 'aggressive listening' can be faked, either. If it's done right, it's fairly passive; you're not talking, you're listening. People trying pressure you isn't passive. It's like a jagged spike through the conversation. For me, at least, that sends my BS radar into meltdown.

But thanks for a fascinating post - I'll have to try using techniques out of therapy at work. I've never tried that.