@Ronald Snijder

I once heart of a similar story. The situation I describe above is really in the past, since I am an independent software developer at the moment, but during that time a situation occured.

Peter, his real name, always shy and silent is unusually still. As I want to talk to him to ask what is the matter in private I tell him that he and I are going to get everyone coffee (although I am his superior, I still work as one of the team and my desk is just like any other). While at the machine I ask him if he wants to talk about what is bothering him.

Peter knows he can trust me, but is cautious. After hesitating he decides to tell me: his father was rushed off to a hospital the everning before and was on the intensive care for heart problems. Since it happened to my father, I understand what he must be feeling. (Luckely, my father has survived this several times and is still alive.)

Me: "If you don't mind me asking, but why did you show up this morning? It is obvious that you aren't getting anything done".

Peter looks scared, which I don't understand.

Me: "Do you think the situation is so that he will live?"

Peter: "No ..."

Me: "So you could never see your father again?"

Peter starts shaking. From what he is telling me in a broken voice, I can make out something like that it happened before when he worked somewhere else and when he asked for a day off, he was given a choice: to stay or to leave and never come back. He didn't know better as that was how things were done in the corporate world.

Me: "Peter, just go. This is not where you should be right now".

Peter: "Don't I need to get any form filled out or don't I need to tell the general project leader".

Me: "That can all be sorted out later. It is not your responsibility. It's mine".

Peter leaves. Some time later the general project leader, Paul, arives. I take him apart and tell about what happened.

Paul: "You are lucky"

Me: "How so?"

Paul: "If you had done anything else, I would have had to kick the crap out of you!"

Me: "Glad we understand each other".

The rest of the team is equally supportive when they learn why Peter suddenly left. A get-well card is bought that everybody signs.

Peter calls a few days later. Things are better. He askes if it is ok to stay at home for the remainder of the week and to come back on monday. Fine by me, as long as he thinks he is up to it.

When Peter gets back, he is a lot more open then before. And he even manages to speed things up enough to catch up the time he lost.

I would have liked keeping Paul around as a general project leader. He is blunt in how he communicates, but he is crystal clear and honest. It made my job easier, but I would have done the same even with an unsupportive project leader.