Excellent observations. You have illumined some of the reasons why conversations so often go off the rails. I've felt for a long while that many conversations feel like proxy battles; disagreements tend to be magnified when individuals and groups feel unsafe with the subject matter or state of the conversations.

I love the insight Kerry Patterson brings in "Crucial Conversations" * brings to the table. Combining the book's insights and your own is helping me better identify then act on the key elements in crucial conversations.

* http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15014.Crucial_Conversations