We’re all still laughing about the time when Vegas tried to convince the world that it was a family town. You remember this? This was back during the Internet boom, money was free, and Vegas was pretty full of itself as it’d as it had every instant multi-millionaire with huge amounts of disposible cash stumbling around the casinos literally bleeding cash.
With this new wad of cash, Vegas was wondering, What’s next? Where was the growth? Who were the new Vegas customers? What about families? In Sin City? Sure, why the hell not? If they can sell cat food on the Internet, why not get families to think of Vegas as Disneyland? Rollercoasters, yeah, that’s the ticket.
What a complete crock of shit.
There is no bigger Vegas buzz kill than stumbling out of a casino at 9am after a twenty seven hour gambling binge to find Mom and Dad and two screaming anklebiters cutting you off as they bolt to M&M World.
I have no issue with family entertainment, but Mom… Dad… there’s a reason they put Vegas far from the civilized world in the middle of a desert. IT’S BECAUSE NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT BEHAVE LIKE THIS.
People leave their lives when they get to Vegas, they transform into tremendous assholes. It’s hard to read that sentence without thinking I’m somehow predisposed to not like these people, but I do… because I’m one of them… as regularly as humanly possible.
Vegas is Sin City. It’s an delectable adventure designed to swallow you whole and then spit you out in a haze of smoke and a a stench of booze. When Vegas is done with you, you’ll be broke, exhausted, and reeking of strippers.
Like any adventure, there are rules. Obey them and you’ll increase the chances that you won’t get the shit kicked out of you. I’ve documented these rules… these guidelines in a series of columns I call the “Rands Vegas System”. I will explain the best way to experience Vegas for a person who has the following requirements:
- Wants to gamble, but knows they are going to lose money
- Wants to drink a lot for free, is willing to get really drunk, but isn’t interested on puking on their shoes
- Wants to spend lots of hours with strippers, but does not want to spend a ton of cash and is not under the illusion they’ll actually get laid
If you’re reading this and it’s harshing your perceptions about Vegas (WHAT? I WON’T GET LAID? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I WON’T MAKE A KILLING?), let me suggest you keep reading. Proper application of the Rands Vegas System will eliminate such concerns. You’ll be spending more time having fun rather than sweating the two hundred large you just blew at craps.
Yes, it will be 4am and, yes, you will be hammered at Olympic Gardens and, yes, you will believe that Trussy the blonde stripper with bodacious ta-tas is going to take you home and molest you. (Reality: She actually won’t and, here’s a FYI, under normal lighting you’d fucking bolt if you saw Trussy.)
Let’s get started with: Preparing for Vegas…